rushing to the end without ever seeing the beginning

At a callback once, the director said" Thank you lauren, let's go again from the top and please go through the end of the page. I know it's difficult because there is no one actually there to do it with you, but let's see you, get hit."  
I had committed the ultimate sin of 'cutting' the scene before the actual end of it. I had rationalized to myself that once the reader quit saying lines the audition must be over.
NOPE.
(hey this was nearly seven years ago, don't panic I would NEVER cut myself these days. this was my second callback ever.)

The part required me to get smacked around a lot and eventually murdered and this scene for the audition was the fight breaking out part. so OF COURSE they wanted to see me REACT to that kind of physical attack. They wanted to see my EMOTIONS in my eyeballs. They wanted to watch me process the thought of  ' oh shit this dude is going to freaking murder me' on camera.

I got so deer-in the headlights about wanting to be right, wanting SO BADLY to please the director that I legitimately punched myself in the face  

You read that correctly.
I punched. myself. in. the. face.
IN A LIVE CALL BACK.
I drove 4.5 hours to the middle of Atlanta to punch. myself. in the face.


The poor director..... trying to keep a straight face. lorrrrd.
I did get the part, if you were wondering!!
It was a massive topic of conversation on set hehehehehe


My point is, okay in this specific example it worked out and I got the gig anyway. (Now I will always wonder if it was out of pity   )
BUT I did not center myself after the first take. I didn't take my moment to integrate the direction. I didn't think about HER or  where she was, or him coming towards her, the smells, the temp, what I was hearing, my heart rate.... I didn't think about shit other than omg omg I hope they likkee meeeeeeeeee
and it caused me to do some dumb ass local yokel shit.

I am speaking to myself, but also to you my lovely classmates, when I say
we must must MUST release the need to be 'right' and learn how to BE.

Seems like there was a 50/50 or some kind of percentage of getting the assignment, and not getting the assignment last night. I missed the first hour twenty so I'm just going on others remarks.
Multitude of reasons this could happen, at the end of the day it's the actors job to understand the story, the break down, the filming instructions. It's your audition. you are responsible for it. You have to claim ownership of the successes and the failures.
Ask yourself, was that work that just happened, was it for me to feel special/right/validated/ cool, or was that work a result of the absence of 'me' and my ego and the immersion of art?

Clearly, we saw last week that I still slip into bad habits, even after IMMEDIATELY getting a note about it, I did it again. So I for sure don't think I have mastered anything....but if I'm slipping 6.5 years in --and I'm pretty fucking dedicated, sorry to be so blunt but, I work HARD.--but if I'm still slipping at this place in the work, please don't add to the negative energy of being mad/disappointed/upset with yourself that it didn't go so great this one time, especially if this is a brand new process for you and your craft of acting. I got really upset- with MYSELF. Okay. THEN I got anxious thinking everyone else was thinking I was upset with Jon. Then a whole inner dialogue about something that had NOTHING to do with the assignment entered in. but then I had to take a breath, try again and do better. do again. do better. do again. do better. do again. do better. unfortunately, when you get upset on set they don't care about WHY. or WHO you are upset with. They care about who could come replace you and not get upset and waste their time. That is just the reality of it. They either get annoyed by you, or misunderstand the situation and think you are argumentative/hard to work with/ a moron.
Interesting that we want so badly for them to think the opposite, that we create the very narrative we so adamantly were trying to avoid.  

I don't think there is an 'end' to the work, so perhaps that is something I need to be reminded of. Seems like we start a scene and spend the whole time frantically waiting for the scene to be over so we can find out if we did it 'right'...... that's how I feel anyway...... Stop feeling there is an 'end' to get to, just be there.

xoxoxo

I remember a number of occasions when a director or CD got into my head and pulled m route of my acting space. Oh, it felt awful! I no longer felt safe, or connected to my own impulses. One thing I did know, however, was to swallow shit, take it and go on. Sometimes I felt like I was going to explode, but I didn’t let them see me sweat. Thank you for telling us this story.

Lauren: All I can say is my takeaway from your improv last week is that I vividly remember your charcter. Actually, I am still laughing hysterically about you as the fast-talking waitress waving around that pen and order pad while obsessing about getting your customer's order EXACTLY right. Sure you may not have hit all the bullet points, but your believability and comic appeal were 100%. I'd love to see a whole scene about that character and her life! :-)

Thank u for telling us all that. I laughed and related to the rest.