On memories and revisiting myself

I have a tendency to choose what I see. I want what I see to be accurate and I'm learning to drop the pressure of other's expectations. But what does it really take to see? I have to get passed you pressure and desire that I feel that disconnects me from myself. This always happens. Just wait it out and let it be. When I start to feel connected, let it be. I'll feel peace. I'll see nothing. Breathe through that. The image usually appears with light. Light is how memory sees. Will yourself to slow it down. Keep my vision unfocused and let it settle. Follow the image. Don't lead it.

To act, we have to be private in public. Our mind functions in the now. We process consciously or subconsciously. This is how memory gets changed.

We create blocks to keep us from remembering. It makes us less of who we are and more of we were think we should be. I feel a safety in not accessing my memories, but truthfully, it's avoidance. I have to trust that my mind isn't going to hurt me.

Streaming is the act of connecting to my emotional core. Practice accessing memories. Focus your meditation on opening up.

…

I was processing with Brandon tonight because I'm finding this work difficult but not in a way that it takes a lot of effort, but that I feel I don't have the right tools to even dig in there. I know I shouldn't need anything other than myself, but if anyone knows a hypnotist, hit me up When I dig into my memories, I feel primarily guilt and shame with bits of anger and bitterness. I hate my childhood, and my child self. I hold a lot of anger with those who were supposed to empower me and make me stronger, but actually just made me someone bound by niceness and shallow understanding. I actually like who I am today (which took me a long time to say), so why would I want to remember who I was? Looks like I need to battle my inner demon again.

Lately, I've been feeling really burned out. Not that I do a lot, but I feel so artistically bound. It's hard for me to want to do this work, and maybe it's because it's not an instant process. I tell Brandon, I don't like being watched.
I hide so much of myself. When it comes to art, I don't want people seeing me. I'm not really afraid of their judgement, because I don't want them thinking I'm "good" at something either.
I don't want to play music, I don't want people hearing me.
I thought about doing this "digital theater workshop" that Adler's offering but I don't want to perform, I don't want people watching me.
But I do want to play music and I do want to perform and act and do all the beautiful things. But I want to do it in the privacy of myself. where I won't be seen but at least I'll be protected. What a way to live.

And maybe that's why I'm having trouble with this work. I hide so much of myself from others, how much have I hid from myself? My memories don't suck. I suck. And only I can change that.

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One thing I really liked about this class is how we all did this exercise together. I usually like watching people when we go one at a time too, but I really enjoyed the togetherness of the last class.

Before the next class, I am continuing to invite my myself to remember my dreams and I'm going to start meditating more seriously.